Mark Twain
1835–1910
14 genuine quotes, each found in the text, and 11 wrongly credited to Twain.
American writer and humorist (Samuel Langhorne Clemens). His maxims, many of them in Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar, made him the default author for any witty saying: he is one of the most misquoted people in English, and lines by others are routinely moved to his name.
FrontispieceMade by an image model after A. F. Bradley’s photograph of Mark Twain (1907, public domain), in the manner of Victorian letterpress (1810–1900). The likeness is the original’s; this picture is AI‑generated and not historical. The endpaper behind it is an AI‑generated pattern in the same manner.
Genuine Twain quotes
- Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple’s sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden.
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson (1894), Chapter II (“Driscoll Spares His Slaves”), epigraph from Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar, said by Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar.
- Classic: a book which people praise and don’t read.
Following the Equator (1897), Chapter XXV, epigraph from Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar, said by Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar.
- Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson (1894), Chapter VI (“Swimming in Glory”), epigraph from Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar, said by Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar.
- Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.
Following the Equator (1897), Chapter XV, epigraph from Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar, said by Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar.
- Put all your eggs in one basket—and watch that basket.
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson (1894), Chapter XV (“The Robber Robbed”), epigraph from Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar, said by Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar.
- Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear.
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson (1894), Chapter XII (“The Shame of Judge Driscoll”), epigraph from Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar, said by Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar.
- Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.
The Innocents Abroad (1869), Conclusion.
- Familiarity breeds contempt—and children.
Mark Twain’s Notebook, prepared for publication with comments by Albert Bigelow Paine (New York and London: Harper & Brothers, 1935), Notebook, about 1894.
- Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.
Eve’s Diary (1906), Last line (“At Eve’s Grave”), said by Adam.
- cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson (1894), Chapter V, ‘The Twins Thrill Dawson’s Landing’, first epigraph from Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar, said by Pudd’nhead Wilson.
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- In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.
Following the Equator (1897), Chapter LXI, epigraph from Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar, said by Pudd’nhead Wilson.
- Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
Following the Equator (1897), Chapter XXVII, epigraph from Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar, said by Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar.
- If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson (1894), Chapter XVI (“Sold Down the River”), epigraph from Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar, said by Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar.
- When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson (1894), Chapter X, ‘The Nymph Revealed’, second epigraph from Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar, said by Pudd’nhead Wilson.
Quotes wrongly credited to Twain
- I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Misattributed. Grant Allen wrote it, not Twain.
- Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Misattributed. It is first printed in H. Jackson Brown Jr.’s P.S. I Love You (1990), a book of sayings he credited to his mother; whether she coined it is not known. It is not Twain’s.
- Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Not found. It is not in Twain’s works, and who first wrote it is not known.
- There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
Misattributed. Twain wrote it down, in a chapter of his autobiography (1907), but as a remark attributed to Disraeli, which no one has found in Disraeli. Who coined it is not known; the earliest uses are British, from 1891.
- It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
Misattributed. The earliest known form is Arthur G. Lewis’s, in a railway magazine column of 1911, and it spread as an anonymous proverb. It is not Twain’s.
- Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Misattributed. The earliest close version located is in Maurice Switzer’s 1907 book; he is the leading candidate, not a certain inventor. No reliable Twain source is known.
- Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Not found. It is not in Twain’s works, and who first wrote it is not known.
- Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Misattributed. It grew from a line by Christian Nestell Bovee (1857), that kindness is a language the dumb can speak and the deaf understand; the shared wording is a later newspaper form. It is not Twain’s.
- A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
Not found. There is no reliable Twain source. Versions with truth pulling on boots predate his birth; the modern shoes wording has no established author.
- The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.
Not found. No reliable Twain source is known. A close unsigned version appeared in 1914; the first Twain attribution located by Quote Investigator is from 1945.
- The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
Not found. It is not in Twain’s works, and who first wrote it is not known.
Paraphrased: Twain’s thought, in other words
- The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
Paraphrase. The idea is in Mark Twain, ‘Chapters from My Autobiography.—II’, North American Review, 21 September 1906.
- Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Paraphrase. The idea is in Mark Twain’s Notebook, prepared for publication with comments by Albert Bigelow Paine (New York and London: Harper & Brothers, 1935), 393.
The works we hold
Quotes are looked up word for word in these texts. The number is how many genuine quotes here come from each.
| Work | Year | Genuine quotes |
|---|---|---|
| The Adventures of Tom Sawyer | 1876 | 0 |
| Adventures of Huckleberry Finn | 1884 | 0 |
| The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson | 1894 | 7 |
| Following the Equator | 1897 | 4 |
| The Innocents Abroad | 1869 | 1 |
| A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court | 1889 | 0 |
| Life on the Mississippi | 1883 | 0 |
| What Is Man? and Other Essays | 1906 | 0 |
| Roughing It | 1872 | 0 |
| A Tramp Abroad | 1880 | 0 |
| Mark Twain’s Speeches | 1910 | 0 |
| The Mysterious Stranger and Other Stories | 1916 | 0 |
| The Prince and the Pauper | 1881 | 0 |
| On the Decay of the Art of Lying | 1880 | 0 |
| Eve’s Diary | 1906 | 1 |